


Up in My Head

by mistresscurvy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Misunderstandings, Not!Fic, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 05:34:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistresscurvy/pseuds/mistresscurvy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-X Factor, Liam has everything he's ever wanted. Well, almost everything. But it's enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Up in My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I saw [this gifset](http://mistresscurvy.tumblr.com/post/57245607802/x), and then this happened. NO APOLOGIES. This is cleaned up chatfic/not!fic, with a few scenes mostly written out, plus a sex scene. Because I'm me. 
> 
> Set vaguely during mid-to-late 2012 in an AU in which none of the girlfriends exist. 
> 
> Thank you to lokte for the Britpick and to the email chain of horror for the encouragement <3

The craziest thing about being put in One Direction, besides the worldwide fame and practically instant financial security and the luxury of performing for adoring fans all the time, was that all of a sudden Liam has these four absolutely incredible best mates. It's amazing with all of them, and with Zayn in particular it's SO EASY, the two of them bonded instantly. He didn't have to think or try or do anything in order to be his friend, he just was, and it was like the ultimate idea of what love and friendship could be to him, something that he didn't have to stress over or worry about, because it was so obvious. It was like having an ACTUAL brother, because Zayn was suddenly this completely vital person to him, forever in the picture of his life. He never questioned why Zayn would love him, he just did, just like his sisters and his parents. It was inexplicable, but that was beside the point, and he'd managed to accept that even if he didn't deserve it, there would be some people who would just feel that way about him, no matter what. And that was the absolute ultimate thing, what more could he possibly ever want.

All that kind of goes to shit when Zayn tells him about how completely and utterly in love with Niall he is, though. It completely FLOORS Liam, is the thing, like he knows that all the lads are gay, or at least swing both ways, and like while he never really understood that, he's obviously OKAY with it, he's not a twat, what people do is their business, not his. But all of a sudden he can see this other level of affection, something that makes his belly squirm, something that's NOT easy and simple, and lately he wants it. He wants that too, which feels so selfish and demanding. Apparently it's not enough for him that he has these four boys who love him for who he is _and_ literally millions of fans who want to hear him sing, the only thing he's ever wanted to do. Being sad about his friends falling in love with each other is ridiculous. It's too much for him to want more than what he's already got. 

There's this terribly awkward conversation where Liam just has to ask Zayn why it's different for him with Niall, what Niall has that Liam doesn't, and Zayn looks at him carefully and takes his hand. 

"It's not about him being better, or more, Liam," he says quietly. "It's really not. It's just--different. Like, you wouldn't want to date one of your sisters, right?" Liam recoils immediately from the thought, and Zayn laughs. "Yeah. Like that. And I mean, it's okay if you do, but you don't really want to kiss me, do you?"

Liam swallows hard, tries to imagine it. "I could do. You're quite fit and all," he says, suddenly worried he'll hurt Zayn's feelings.

Zayn crooks a smile at him. "I'm not asking whether you think I'm fit. I know I'm a god," he says, grinning harder until Liam hits him in the stomach, snorting. "I'm asking, like. Do you think about kissing me when I'm just talking to you?"

After a moment of thought, Liam shakes his head slowly, not sure how he'd gotten even this wrong.

Zayn just nods back at him, though. If he's upset, Liam can't see it. "See, right. I think about kissing Nialler all the time," he sighs, and Liam tries to imagine _that_ and just.

"I don't think I fancy either of you," he says. It wasn't a revelation he'd expected to have before even a single cup of tea this morning, but it was the truth. 

"And that's okay. I mean, that's more than okay, honestly. Be a bit more complicated if you did," Zayn says, his hand still holding Liam's. "And it won't change how we are with the rest of you, or how I feel about you."

"Yeah, yeah, you still love me the most, I know," Liam says, shoving him off. He really did need a cup of tea. 

And they don't mean it to change, and Liam knows they still love him, knows they still love all of them, but it does change things, a bit. Not even in how they all are around each other, or how much time he gets to spend hanging out just with Zayn, a spot of quiet amidst everything else, but just. He didn't really know there was more to want in life, not so clearly. And now he does. 

And Liam does know that Zayn and Niall still love him, he knows it, honestly he does. He's even pretty sure that Zayn is making a special point now to stay in with him every four or five days, especially when Niall goes off for some golfing with Harry. Liam tries to get Zayn to do some training with him, but apparently even a bit of guilt over potentially throwing over his best friend for a shag now and then isn't enough to get Zayn to do burpees. 

So it's fine, except that now that he sees Zayn and Niall together, sees what's there, it makes it harder to ignore what could be there for him with someone, someday. Plus he keeps sort of watching Louis and Harry, the way they circle around each other, the way they just fall into each other like Zayn and Niall did a few months ago, and well. It hadn't seemed that different from how he and Zayn had been for the past two years, but now he reckons he can see it more clearly than before. Probably he just didn't notice, and they didn't think they needed to tell him. It's a bit strange to think of them just keeping that from him, but he's not going to press it now, just because he got a clue finally. 

It's pretty inexcusable to just stare at your friends and think about how much he wishes he had what they have, he's pretty sure. So he works hard at acting normal, exactly the same as before he caught on, and he thinks he's fairly good at disguising his envy, most of the time. Or at least he thought he was, except that whenever he can't quite help feeling sad, Louis is suddenly there, knocking into him or insisting that they go play Fifa or figure out how to prank Harry. It's nothing Louis should have to feel is necessary, but that doesn't stop the warm surge of satisfaction from building in Liam's chest every time Louis tries to cheer him up. The waves of guilt and shame and loneliness are still there, underneath it, but it's easier to ignore feeling like that when Louis's demanding his input on yet another terrible scheme.

Still, he watches Zayn and Niall and how easy it looks, and how Harry and Louis just instantly fit together, like their bodies were two pieces from a jigsaw puzzle, and then there's him. He doesn't want to kiss Zayn, or Niall, he knows that much. And the idea of kissing Harry is just completely incomprehensible to him. Harry's so much more together and with it than he could ever be when it comes to stuff like sex, and besides, why would he want to kiss Liam if he could kiss Louis?

Because that's the real problem now. It was easier when he didn't have to wonder which of his mates he might like to kiss best, since of course Louis's so, well, _Louis._ So confident and fun and funny and dead sexy, if Liam's honest about it. And he knows Louis loves him now, he knows that, but it wasn't always easy at all, which doesn't seem too encouraging to him. But it's all right. He may not have a boyfriend, but he's got his band, and that's more than he'd ever thought he would have anyway. He can be supportive. He _is_ supportive, and it's nice that Louis keeps trying to include him, jumping all over him and poking at him until finally Liam can't help but poke back. He's the best mate ever, really.

All of this continues along for months, with them getting more and more famous, taking over America and everything. Zayn and Niall are being more and more adorable together, but it's fine, because Zayn is still his best mate and Niall's also top notch of course, and Harry and Louis are just the kinds of friends to Liam he didn't really believe existed out there before the X Factor. And he's found himself getting braver and braver, playing around with them and responding to Louis's jokes and sometimes even starting the gags himself now, because he actually trusts them. It's brilliant, and really incredible, and if he catches Louis sometimes looking at him with a bit of a wistful smile, Liam tries not to think too hard about it. He doesn't know what more Louis could really want from him, or expect; at the end of the day, he's still just going to be Liam. 

It's been getting harder and harder to ignore the way Harry is around Nick, though. Liam understands that Harry's always got a ton of friends, and it's totally fine that Nick would be at Liam's birthday party, of course - it's not just the lads there, Tom was able to come and he showed off his medal from the Games, and Lou and Tom and Lux, and lots of their crew and people from the X Factor and all that. But even though Harry's affectionate with everyone and will never take a normal seat if there's a lap handy for him to sit on, there's a focus to the way he looks at Nick, how he tracks him around a room with his eyes. 

Jumping to conclusions helps no one, he knows, and Harry had given him a big long speech about the particular value of open relationships and clear communications when they left for their first tour, saying how it could save a lot of heartache if people had pre-defined boundaries and understandings in place. But it still feels a bit weird with Louis right there at the party too, and while Liam knows they've both more experience with this sort of thing than he does, he has a hard time imagining Louis being okay with this kind of agreement. Louis is many things, but being agreeable purely for the sake of others isn't always one of them. Neither does he have a particular talent for sharing. 

It's a bit of a break from Liam's own heartache, to be honest, to sort of quietly watch as this love clearly blooms between Harry and Nick. On the one hand he's so happy for Harry, because he can see the way that Nick just brings something out in him, something new and different, and that autumn he's always happy after a break and has a million stories about what they got up to and is glued to his phone and Instagram checking out what Grimmy's doing while they're off on some trip or another. But it's hard to be too happy for him, because Louis seems to be sticking to Liam all the time now, needling him and batting him around like a cat who needs more and more attention. Which Liam is happy to give him, he is, but it's just getting him angry, at this point, because Louis deserves a boyfriend who'll give him that, not just a friend stepping in. 

It occurs to him that maybe Louis needs someone to talk to about all this. Perhaps he doesn't want to bother Zayn and Niall with tales of a difficult relationship, and Liam's his best option. He doesn't know how he's supposed to help, but he's determined to be a good friend, even if it's uncomfortable for him. So he takes to asking after Harry whenever Louis plops himself down on Liam's lap, or badgers him into a piggyback ride from the bus to the green room. 

Because Louis might think he's hard to read, or being subtle, but Liam can see the toll the situation is taking on him. He see how Louis will sometimes collapse in on himself, watching as Harry leaves the room yet again to take a phone call. And if he needs some encouragement to talk it out with Harry, Liam'll do that. Or else he will when he's not trying to come up with terrible ideas that will make Louis smile, or bust up laughing on stage. He's not above playing like that, just to see a real smile cross his face. 

The longer it goes on, though, the harder Liam finds it to coax a smile out of Louis. It doesn't seem to matter if he mentions Harry or not; Louis always looks slightly pained whenever Liam comes near, and it's harder and harder for Liam to keep up a good front about it. 

It's usually quite difficult to stay mad at Harry. He's just so good natured himself that it feels a little unfair to hold a grudge, and anyway there's practically nothing that Liam can imagine being truly mad at him for. But this is different, this feels like Harry is just taking and taking and never giving, not when Louis's coming over and climbing all over Liam rather than Harry, even when Harry is around too. There's something not right there. 

The whole thing comes to a head one day when they're back in the dressing room a few hours before a show, Harry and Louis flopped together on the couch, each flipping through their phones. They'd been more affectionate the last few days, and Liam is--well, he's been hoping for Louis's sake that maybe they'd had a proper talk or something, like they'd clearly needed to do. 

That possibility seems to disappear when Harry snorts with laughter. "Louis, look at this," he says, showing him what Liam can only assume is yet another picture of Nick doing something ridiculous. His suspicions are confirmed when Louis laughs a little sarcastically and then gets up. 

"Hey Cal, fancy a kick about by the buses?" he asks quickly, glancing over at Liam before looking away. There's nothing Liam can say to him to make it better, which just makes him more angry. Harry doesn't even watch as Louis and Cal leave the room, his focus still intent on his phone.

Liam manages to wait until they'd both left before it explodes out of him. "You're a real piece of work, Harry Styles," he says savagely. 

"Oi, Liam, what's this about?" Zayn asks, stepping up between them. 

Liam ignores him, everything just bubbling over and out of him. "I know it's none of my business, but, well, it is the _band's_ business, and you can't keep messing Louis about like this," he says, fists clutched at his side. "Nick's great, you know I like him, but can't you see you're hurting Louis? I thought you were better than that."

Harry is staring up at him, mouth agape. Liam can't remember the last time he felt alone like this, like he's the only one willing to say what needs to be said. He opens his mouth to start again, but Harry beats him to it. 

"Liam," he says slowly, putting the phone down behind him. "There's nothing going on here."

"Oh come off it, Harry, we all know you're shagging Nick," he says, furious all over again. Who the fuck did he think they were. "How dumb do you think we are?"

"Not nothing about Nick," Harry says, stopping Liam in his tracks. "Yeah, I'm in love with him, all right? But me and Louis, we're just mates. Always have been."

Liam tries to process that, and can't even begin to. He looks at Niall, and then at Zayn, who both nod back. "Just mates?"

Harry is still staring at him. "I think you'd better talk to Louis."

It takes him longer to find Louis than he expects it to. Neither he nor Cal are out by the buses, and Liam spends a long while wandering around the labyrinth of backstage, checking each open room. The search gives him time to try to figure out what he even wants to say: Sorry it's even worse than I'd thought? Sorry Harry's been in love with someone else this whole time? This isn't what he's good at, not really. He's more the quiet support shown through a game of football sort of friend. 

By the time he finally finds Louis sprawled out on a sofa fiddling with his phone, he's pretty certain that he is the absolute worst person to be doing this. He has half a mind to call Zayn or Niall and see if they know what he should say, or if they just want to come here and take his place, but then Louis notices him standing in the doorway and it's too late. 

"I thought you were playing footie," Liam says, already talking rubbish. 

"Yeah, sorry, there were too many fans about, felt like a cup final out there," Louis says, lifting his legs up just enough for Liam to sit on the sofa and then letting them fall back onto his lap. "Wanted a bit of quiet."

"Sure, yeah," Liam says. He can't remember Louis ever wanting some quiet, not even at the very beginning, when he missed his mum so much he would snap at all of them just for the distraction. The only thing worse than them snapping back was when they actually left Louis alone. 

"Just checking my email," Louis continues. 

Nothing for it then, if he won't bring it up himself. "Look, I'm really sorry about Harry." Out of the corner of his eye, Liam can see Louis lower the phone to his lap, but he keeps going and doesn't look at his face. If he sees Louis cry, he won't be able to stand it. "I mean, he said you knew, and that it wasn't like that, but I know it was for you."

"What was like what for me?" Louis asks after a moment. 

Liam takes a deep breath. "That you love him, Lou. I mean, we all love Harry. But. You know."

"You think I love Harry," Louis says, his voice a little robotic. Probably he's trying not to get all emotional right before a show, Liam thinks. Christ, he's a right arse for bringing it up now. 

Liam squeezes Louis's leg just above the knee. "I know it's hard. Being friends with someone you fancy. But knowing the truth is better than having false hope," he says, laughing a little. A wave of courage flows through him just long enough to glance up at Louis's face, but he quickly looks back down when he sees the shock there. 

He does look up again, startled, when Louis's hand covers his own. "Has it been hard for you?" Louis asks, thumb stroking over Liam's fingers, and oh, this isn't fair.

"I can survive it," he says shortly, trying to pull his hand away. But Louis won't let him, both hands clutching tightly. 

"Been a struggle?"

This isn't on at all. "What're you playing at, Louis? I know you've been hurt, but there's no need to take it out on me," Liam says, trying and failing to keep the anger out of his voice. He struggles to get up off the sofa, pushing at Louis's legs, but somehow Louis ends up straddling his lap instead, thighs bracketing his own. 

"I can't believe Harry was right," Louis says, a smile at the edge of his mouth, and before Liam can throw him off or ask what the hell Harry had to be right about, Louis cups his face and kisses him. 

It's a long moment before Liam can react at all, his body stiff, mouth not responding fast enough to Louis's lips against his. What finally snaps him out of it is the uncertainty he can feel creeping into Louis's body, the tension that suddenly exists in his hands on Liam's face. He brings his hands up to Louis's hips and holds him there, finally moving his lips against Louis's, tongue shyly swiping across Louis's lower lip. 

There's a beat when they both pause, and then Louis's body seems to melt against Liam, the full weight of him pressing down on Liam's thighs. The slick slide of Louis's tongue into his mouth makes Liam surge up against him, the confidence that pours out of Louis into him making it impossible to stop. Liam lets himself just kiss Louis back and grip his sides tightly for a few moments more before he pulls away a bit.

"Is this--you're not just being kind, right?" he manages, tilting his head to the side. It's remarkably difficult to remember how to speak when Louis's mouth is on his throat, but this is _important._ "Because you needn't bother worrying about me like that."

"Since when have I ever done something out of kindness?" Louis asked, his voice a low growl next to Liam's ear. 

Gasping, Liam drags his hands up Louis's back, pulling down hard on his shoulders. "You might do," he says, before giving in and kissing Louis right under his ear. 

Louis gets both of his hands on Liam's face and pulls him back in for a kiss. "I don't feel kindly towards you," Louis says, between deep, lingering kisses that Liam can feel all the way into his toes. "Not in the least."

"How do you feel then?" Liam retorts, pretty proud of the steadiness of his voice. 

His pride and composure both disappear in an instant when Louis leans in and says, "Like if I don't get your dick in my mouth right now I'll _die._ "

Under normal circumstances, Liam would mock Louis for his never-ending dramatics. Apparently these are potential dick sucking circumstances, though, which are anything but normal. "We have to be back soon," he gasps instead. 

"I can be fast," Louis whispers before biting and then sucking hard right over Liam's birthmark. "Can you?"

"I don't think I could last very long if I tried," Liam answers honestly. Even the idea of Louis on his knees for him is making his cock harder by the second. His hands tighten around Louis's hips, pulling him against Liam as he tries to get some friction. 

Louis pulls back just enough to look at him, a smugly delighted expression on his face. "I think you quite fancy me on my knees."

"I think I fancy you shutting up," Liam said grumpily, not looking forward to Louis's inevitable teasing about his quick trigger. 

It's rather a shock when Louis quirks a smile at him before saying, "All right then," and sliding out of Liam's lap and onto the floor between Liam's feet. 

Before Liam can even process what's about to happen, Louis has got his jeans open and his hand on Liam's cock, still covered in only the thin material of his pants. Liam's entire body jerks forward at the touch, Louis's fingers so possessive and sure on his dick. It's like Louis's already got a perfect right to slip him out of the slit, hand stroking him until his foreskin is pulled all the way back. 

"Oh god," Liam cracks out, his voice actually breaking on the word. He swallows hard but it's no use, he's already panting so much with want his entire mouth is dry. 

"Oi, mind your voice, we've a show in an hour," Louis chides him, taking Liam's cockhead in his mouth before Liam can think of anything to say. 

After that Liam is lost in the sensation of Louis's mouth tight around his cock, wet and sloppy and messy. Watching Louis work his hand over the base of his dick, the head of his cock sliding in and out of Louis's mouth, is a terrible, terrible idea; he's going to come in no time at all, but he can't look away. 

Louis pulls off long enough for Liam to start to groan, but the sound gets caught in his throat when Louis leans in and bites down hard on his inner thigh. Pain blooms throughout Liam's body, bright and desperately hot. 

"More of that later," Louis says with satisfaction, his voice a rough growl. It's not good for him to be doing this right before a performance, it's not, and Liam is seconds away from telling Louis to stop when he takes in Liam's entire cock, and he can't say a word. 

Instead he bites the palm of his hand hard to muffle the sounds that want to escape when he comes, his hips jerking up uncontrollably. He can't stop shaking, his other hand somehow laced through Louis's hair as he holds him on his cock and comes for ages. When they get back, Louis'll be unable to sing and his hair will be completely mussed; Lou and the lads are going to kill him. 

He can't much care as he pants up at the ceiling. Harry is always telling him he ought to be a bit more selfish. This is just a down payment on that. 

Or it would be, if Louis didn't pop up again and climb back onto Liam's lap. His hands are rough and greedy, pulling Liam back in for a kiss, a desperate little whine sounding from the back of his throat. 

"Me now, do me," Louis mumbles against his lips. Which Liam would be happy to obey, except Louis is wriggling all over the place, frantic and with no rhythm at all. 

"Yeah, just let me," Liam tries, his post-orgasm fuzziness being swept away like cobwebs by the need to get his hands on Louis. It would be easier if Louis would stop squirming, though. 

"Liam, come on," Louis somehow commands and whines at the same time, and without thinking Liam grabs his wrists and flips them so that Louis is underneath him, head at the armrest of the sofa. 

"I will if you just stay still," he says sharply, the exasperation fading from his voice when he takes in Louis's wide eyes. 

Louis is staring back up at him, and Liam can see him swallow hard before saying, "Yeah, go on then," voice still rough in a way Liam can't help but feel pleased about. But Louis's actions belie his words a second later, his entire body pushing up against Liam's hold on him. Without thinking about it first, Liam pulls both of Louis's wrists up above his head so that he can hold them both in one hand. When Louis stills this time, it feels different, charged in a way Liam doesn't have words to explain. 

He watches Louis's face as he drags his right hand down Louis's stomach, getting the fly of his trousers undone and pushed open faster than he knew he could. The shallow, almost desperate breathing of Louis beneath him urges him on, his fingers clumsily brushing against the still-covered hot skin of Louis's cock. 

At the first touch, Louis gasps and arches up against Liam. "Sorry, sorry," he whispers before Liam can say anything, licking over his lips, still pink and swollen from when they were around Liam's cock. 

It's too much. In one moment, Liam frees Louis from his pants and leans in to kiss him, tongue sweeping into his mouth. Both of his hands are tight on Louis's body, one gripping Louis's wrists and the other working Louis's cock a bit frantically. There's a moment of worry that he doesn't know what Louis likes, if he's being too rough, but the way Louis's teeth are firm around Liam's lower lip, desperate whines escaping into his mouth, seems a positive sign. 

He wants to pull away a bit, wants to see Louis as he falls apart under him, _because_ of him, but Louis won't let go of his mouth, sharp teeth digging in. It's all right, though; he feels it when Louis comes, feels his hips bucking up against him, the sudden slick slide of Louis's cock in his hand. He releases Louis's wrists so that he can get an arm around him, kiss Louis's now pliant mouth. The pulse of pain in Liam's lip sparks with every kiss, but he doesn't care. It's a reminder of Louis being there. 

There's a long moment before Louis speaks again, his face up against Liam's cheek. "Glad one of us finally got a clue," he rasps out, voice still a bit gravelly. 

Liam kisses his cheek before huffing his breath against Louis's neck. "Shouldn't have done that right before a show," he says finally, not sure how to say what he really means. 

It's clear Louis understand him anyway when he feels him smile. "I'll muddle through."

He does more than that though, his face beaming at Liam every time Liam comes near. Liam has always loved that particular smug smile Louis has perfected, but never as much as he does now. 

 

And then they turn into utter terrors who are also nauseatingly cute together and they get married and adopt a dozen babies and dogs and spend their post-One Direction days writing music together and EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm mistresscurvy on [twitter](https://twitter.com/mistresscurvy) and [tumblr](http://mistresscurvy.tumblr.com/) where I lose my mind over these boys on the regular. Come say hi!


End file.
